Primal bonding

I needed that Valient Thorr show tonight. I almost didn't go. Only because I had worked all day, then rehearsed and I have these health issues to worry about. I'm supposed to be taking it easy. But I can't miss the chance to see 2 of my favorite people and one of my favorite bands all in one rare shot.

I love standing back and watching the crowds at metal shows. Sweaty people piled on top of each other, arms around each other, pumping their free fists to the same beat to which the drummer, the bassist, the guitarists, the singer are all pulsing. It unites people in the most primal way. We're all experiencing time as a unit. It matters. It bonds. It fucking heals my soul to see people doing this. I'm probably the only geek in the crowd being all anthropological about this, but I smile so big watching people have a good time. I think to myself "This is the way we bond now" - since we don't live in villages anymore. A lot of us weren't held enough or properly socialized as children. This is our therapy. It's our way.

Clinking beer bottles together with friends on a common ground feels like we're not alone.

It's no different than beating drums around a campfire and dancing to unify before war or before a holiday.

It's about getting on the same page.

Primal is a good thing. Primitive is not a negative description, It's something we've LOST, but should always retain.

Freedom

Freedom should exist between people. Freedom isn't being alone. It's being who you are, having boundaries and respecting boundaries, living your dreams and communicating with the world around you. The Hollywood syndrome makes people attempt to live in a fantasy world.

Our world IS a fantasy world all its own. We connect with people for various reasons in multiple ways. Life ebbs and flows as often as the tides in the oceans. Sometimes lower and other times higher. People panic and imagine this is permanent and forget that these circumstances swing almost like a pendulum. The low will become high once more. 

This is how nature works. We are nature and thus we are not immune to these cycles. 

I am experiencing a simultaneous high and low. I'm so busy in all kinds of positive ways, but also am not in a secure job. I'm in constant worry about something either work related or band related. As a sufferer of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, this type of thing is obviously too much for my body. In my right to freedom, to which I believe everyone is entitled, my attempts at setting boundaries are generally met with criticism or pushiness. And I realized tonight that it's because non-sufferers  can't empathize. It's an indescribable feeling, to be literally worn out from something that would barely tire others. 

So the guilt trips I've allowed others to put on me will no longer be blamed. I can forgive the inability to understand.  But what will not be tolerated is the refusal to respect a boundary. I find that extremely offensive. I wouldn't dream of crossing a set boundary and wouldn't feel comfortable in struggling with someone to get my way when they clearly are telling me no. 

Work, friends, family. Learn to respect each other. That's what we have left as humans. We can still connect with each other with our boundaries in place. in fact, it can only strengthen our bonds. 

If you think a flower is beautiful, don't pick it or it will wither and die. Observe it and keep it as it existed when you first saw it. 

Evolution

I can feel a MASSIVE shift of evolution coming my way. I've been beating my head against the wall trying to do what I've been taught is right. And It always makes me miserable and stifled to the point that my stresses manifest as health problems. And yet, I keep doing these things because I wanna be acceptable and normal. Whatever the fuck that means.

I'm not that person. Try as I might.

I have more thinking to do on what this means exactly, but I wrote this as a starting point so that I can look back and see my breadcrumbs.

Blessings and Curses

We have become such a nation of idealists. We are hopeless romantics. We are helpless when things don't fit into our imaginary hollywood-induced expectations.

With EVERY blessing, there is always a balance of negativity that comes with it.

We ask for a job. Oh PLEASE, we need a job and we would be ever so grateful! Because we'll work our asses off. Anything is better than nothing when we need money! We'll be SO GOOD at it, we promise! We get this job and after about a month, we realize. We're trapped again. We don't like this. We dream of greener pastures, thinking the next thing will rescue us from this horror.

We have relationships with people - friends, lovers, family - we expect them to always make us happy, and when they don't, we expect them to be sad, too. It doesn't work like that. People are HUMAN and there is nothing at all perfect about those little fuckers.

We dream of being in a band, a play, a whatever... and the reality is quite different than the picture in our heads.

It pains me to watch my friends struggling with the natural flow of things. It's even worse when I realize I'm also flailing about in the winds of change. :-p

Acceptance. This is part of my journey to that idea. Accepting the bad with the good. Weighing the benefits and accepting the price they come with. Everything has one.

Detach

It occurred to me why I'm burned out at my job. Other than the obvious nature of the overworked, underpaid and unappreciated state of corporate employment, it's the inability to detach from my work. Maybe more like feeling that I have to be attached, worrying, thinking, planning, putting every waking ounce of energy into it so much that I become it and lose my own identity.

This is what makes us emotionally sick as a society. The American culture is becoming this. And I want no part of it.

Today, I came in to a shit storm of annoyances. I found myself wishing my week away again. Dreading the day ahead. Dreading tomorrow. Dreading life. And it dawned on me. So I took my break. I detached my mind from work, hence a break being an actual break. I left my phone, iPod, concerns and I enjoyed the warm sun I my arms. I smelled the air. I watched the clouds. I made the choice to adopt a more European mindset about it all. If I don't, my life will suffer and so will my work momentum.

I feel refreshed. Detach your soul from the jobs we must all maintain to get money. Use your brain to do a damn good job, but liberate your mind from feeling chained.

That damn acceptance bullshit

Yeah. I get that this is a theme for me. I have to thank Grey for listening to my ramblings at the gym as of late. There are really only 2 or 3 people I can talk to about some of the shit in my head that i refuse to accept. And that I refuse to admit that I refuse to accept. Funny, right?

So I think I figured out an essential vein of this refusal of acceptance. I meditated and pondered and decided that I will just be letting go of the fear attached to such intangible ideas. Fighting these ideas hasn't been fruitful. I KNOW this. I've KNOWN this. But the acceptance part is what I haven't done.

Now I know.

There are a lot of things in this life we can change. There are some things we will always need to work with to maintain our courses. But some things are just fucking inherently who we are, what we are, what we will be. And this is my big secret fear. (for those who know me, it's not really a secret. But what good friends they are to humor me in such fantasies!)

I feel freer. Thanks, Grey, for listening without judgement and for helping me to sort through this aloud. And for being one of the best friends I've known.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a little drink after all that.

Do emotional warriors get props for Memorial Day? hmm... I think they should. :-p

The unbeliever

I became too jaded in my belief systems, somewhere between 20 and 35. I have wondered if it was due to the fear of being "wrong" or if it was due to the fear that other people had for my belief system. I may have tucked it inside for convenience's sake. Thank gawd I'm not that self conscious anymore. Because being an unbeliever is DULL. It doesn't produce creativity. It stagnates and gives no hope.

I grew up in a Methodist household. I wouldn't say my parents were bible-beaters, necessarily. They were strict, southern christians. And when I ran away from home, I had the unique fortune of landing in a home with two wiccan ladies. I finished growing up in a home that was nurturing and connected, animal loving and nature revering. Beltane festivals, Samhain, herbal remedies and tarot readings. At breakfast, they would bring up conversations about dreams and try to take meaning from it, as we should all. They discussed seeing signs that they were on the right or wrong paths... they felt instant connections with some people and instant ill feelings for some, and took it to mean something deeper than a "sense".

I miss this. I don't know where I lost it. But we humans have the need to have ritual in our lives. We need to feel a purpose. We need to send and receive energies from each other.

Believing is more than just fun, it's therapeutic. It's a power. I've chosen my beliefs, as I believe everyone has the right to do, from a variety of teachings ranging from Christianity, Wicca, Druidry, Buddhism, Hinduism,  various Native American beliefs, science and quantum physics. So it just FLOORS me when I come in contact with someone who has similar beliefs to me. And it's happened quite a bit lately.

The world IS mysterious and we DON'T know half of it. I'm gonna hold onto that this time.