This was my first ever college paper for English 111. I said I'd share since I had some help from Facebook friends with some of these ideas (thanks! I got a 96!)- Z
Communication Tempered with Respect
Love is not the only element needed to sustain relationships with those to whom we are closest and most intimately connected. While love can bring joy to all types of relationships, studies have shown that respect may be more important than love for satisfying relationships. Being shown respect by example is the best way to learn to respect ourselves and others, and this starts in our homes during childhood. This is the core reason I have chosen to go to school in order to become a family counselor. I believe that children must be given a voice in the home in order to feel worthy of respect, to know how to be respectful, and to gain self respect. We carry what we have learned in childhood with us as we mature into our adult relationships. It is my opinion that, in order to be respectful, communication must be effective and mutual. Communication, tempered with respect, is the very foundation of developing and maintaining all types of relationships.
Parents need to give their children a voice in the home. If parents have respect for their children and show them the freedom to have individual thoughts, to express these thoughts, to have feelings, and to develop their own beliefs, then the parents are showing the greatest example of how to respect themselves and others. Children, learning that they are worthy of respect, will then feel free in their own skin, and with the balance of discipline and love, they will naturally give back to their parents what their parents lovingly give to them. If children do not feel respect from adults, they tend to look for it elsewhere; they look for it in their friends, other adults, TV, internet, and celebrities. It is no secret that this can be very damaging to children who do not learn rules and morals at home. How will they know when someone is leading them astray? The best role models for kids are their own parents. If respect starts in the home, it will no doubt help children to develop strong relationships as they mature. It will also do tremendous justice to their sense of self respect as they move through life.
One major factor in the effective communication between two people is their ability to empathize with each others’ personal worlds, taking into account where the other has grown up, from which culture he or she stems, and what his or her belief system is when sending and interpreting messages. Each person is a unique individual with no two people having the same set of life experiences; therefore, each human lives in his or her own personal world. We send messages to others through verbal and non-verbal communication that stems from our life experiences, how we view things, our belief systems, social groups and many other sources. Part of learning to communicate effectively is to show esteem for one another’s differences in cultures, belief systems and personalities, and to allow for these differences when sending and interpreting both verbal and non-verbal messages. It seems a simple task to offer one another the opportunity to voice opinions, differences, and feelings, but it is not always so easy. Arguments tend to occur when one person’s way of thinking is not encompassing the other’s way of thinking. This is often interpreted as disrespect and it breeds resentment. For example, the most common disagreement I experienced with my own parents was my reverence for my favorite band, KISS. I loved all of the 80’s hair metal bands, but I remember devoting three out of four of my walls in my room to KISS. I had collectibles, videos, magazines, posters, tapestries, and anything else they marketed, all over the place. I was the youngest of four, the closest age gap being twelve years, and the largest being about twenty three years. Not having friends with children my age, my mother did not understand that teen culture during the 80’s obsessed over bands in this way. She could not fathom that this behavior was normal. Likewise, I could not see where she was coming from, telling me that my music was evil and that I was engaged in unhealthy “idol worship”. This may seem like a minor issue to some but, my whole world revolved around playing guitar and listening to music. Her attempts to separate me from my world because she refused to empathize with my circumstances were incredibly hurtful and caused a huge rift to form between us, permanently ruining our relationship. Where there is anger and hurt, there is no respect. In my opinion, any relationship without respect is at a dead end. Listening to children, taking into account where they are coming from, and responding in kind will result in a closer bond and flower the seeds of a lasting, loving relationship. It would also be helpful for parents to explain to their children where they are coming from in order to create the mutual respectful environment in which effective communication can occur, and progress can be made.
The differences between my family and myself are numerous. As a child, I was not shown respect for my differences, and I was not given a voice. My feelings were labeled as non-valid; in turn, I did not learn to exhibit respect for authority figures, friendships, nor my own parents. I also did not learn to identify with my emotions. My mother is a no nonsense kind of lady. She does not see a need to get emotional about anything. I remember hearing her tell her own mother numerous times, “Oh, quit hollering about your pain; it doesn’t do any good!”. On multiple occasions, when I was sick with the flu and needed to stay home from school, she would discount my misery with statements such as, “Suck it up. Everyone gets sick and we all have to keep on moving”. My father tried preparing me for “Murphy’s Law” by conditioning me to think of all the negative consequences to any action that I might take. I went to my primary doctor once, when I was about eighteen, for treatment of bruised ribs that I sustained at an L7 concert in New York City. My doctor said that I needed to start going to classical concerts, to which I replied cynically, “Oh, the cellist’s bow would somehow get caught in the strings, slip out of his hand and launch right at my face, putting my eye out”. He laughed, and so did I, but I really was taught to think that way. I’m certain that my parents did not intend for this to result in poor self respect in all of their children. They are not bad people. They are only acting out what they learned from their parents. If I apply the personal worlds principle to my own family, I can take into account that my mother’s mother did not respect her, was judgmental and picked on her while treating her brothers quite better that she treated my mom. I can take into account that my father came from a family which, during the Great Depression, were poor. He took the long way home from school because he was ashamed of where they lived. He worked his way up from the stock yard at a scaffolding company and into upper management. He only knew how to manage, and he conducted his parenting from this point of view of the world. However, as a child, I could not see this. Partially, this was because I was never made aware of these worlds until I was an adult. Regardless of parents’ intentions, I can state that not having a voice in your own home leaves children feeling unloved. I now know that love is not the same thing as respect, and they can exist separately. I looked for my voice through music, bands, celebrities, friends, and non-parental adults. I felt I had to internalize the emotions I was told were pointless and voice them through music. Looking back, music was definitely a healthy outlet for my pain and, for sure, a saving grace. I also found my way through the darkness with the help of many non-parental adults who showed me that I was worthy. Although it took many years for me to find it for myself, I realize the importance of the lessons I took from these people and can look back with the wisdom I did not have as a teenager. I can understand that my parents did the best they knew how with the tools they were given by their parents. I can identify whole-heartedly with my future clients. I hope to help families to learn how to view their children as individuals, respect both their similarities and their differences, and develop tighter bonds. In turn, I believe that the children will follow the example that their parents demonstrate.
I believe that you cannot have respect without communication. I believe that you cannot effectively communicate without respect. This is the source of my passion to help other families do what mine did not. Assisting parents and children in understanding respect, learning effective communication, and giving them the language with which to discuss each others’ personal worlds would fill me with a sense of joy and accomplishment. I know that it would make my arduous journey seem worthwhile. Respect is not love; it is not acceptance. It is the esteem we should show to our children, regardless of our differences.
