The end to a lifelong procrastination

Good morning, I said to myself this a.m, upon arising to 3 eager wagging tails, crisp fall air and the smell of coffee brewing from a set timer. It's my custom to start being depressed when the air turns cool each year, despite this being my favorite weather.

This year, I have a different custom. I no longer feel forlorn at the biting chill in the air. I know why now and I have obviously moved ahead of that. It's nice to feel progress.

Progress, though, is abounding here lately. It is so hard to see it unless I write, talk, think through it. I have to converse with myself in some manner in order to see what I have accomplished. And then I think it's important to pat myself on the back for having made these improvements.

Overcoming self esteem issues is not a small feat. These are usually things that were hardwired into one's brain at a very early age, usually inadvertently - but sometimes not. I'm not ashamed to talk about this - I've had people say "but Zoe everyone loves you" (which is a false statement. Not *everyone* loves me. That's impossible). I get it. I'm in these bands and I'm nice to people. I do know a LOT of people who do like what they know about me. That's not at all where self esteem comes from. It comes from the way one talks to oneself with that internal voice. And if as a child, fear of failure was taught,  then the programming is set to expect to fail if any action is taken. As a result, apathy or fear set in; usually a cycle of the two, and indeed -  no action is taken.

I'm over that feeling of stuck, and no one has me stuck except ME. I have been able to get whatever I wanted if I've persevered. I went to NYC, I repaired the relationship with my family, I got a job in management with no experience, I've done some good things with my band, I helped raise money for Kate Bornstein, I rescued 3 lovely pups, and I've maintained so many great friendships over the years. So Now is the time to set my own life in motion and set myself free; I want to fucking go to school. I've been saying this... but I'm always scared to let go of job security. Screw it! I'm gonna find a way to make this happen! I'm not getting any younger.

You wake up one day and you realize you've been sitting still in this apathetic state for an embarrassingly long time. I'm picking up a sword and charging ahead this time, and no one can stop me: not even me!

Your mirror

Your face reminds me of heartbreak and insanity. The mirror i was to you only showed you what you wanted to see. Boundaries mean nothing to you; a hypocritical stance if nothing else. I recoiled under the weight of seeing you and desired only to implode upon your arrival in front of me. Surprised by my own response, i reacted like a war veteran who hears a car backfire. Moments after i dismissed you, i felt the urge to rub into your face how much I've done with myself since you broke me one year ago. But then i realized that the glue was still a bit tacky, and not quite as dry as I thought.