Lack of communication....

 Sometimes the line between being right and wrong is very fine, other times, it's nearly impossible to distinguish the two. Yet again, other times... it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. It matters how you carry yourself through it. Learning from these situations is an essential part of growing. Evolution is a painful process, but a necessary one on this life journey.

It is so hard to hold your head up and look people in the eye after not conducting yourself very well through something like that. It's even harder when both parties are wrong and only one party has taken such a step as to admit their fault. It can be a very lonely place. I have never been very patient when it comes to these types of things.

This is not an excuse, however, to act out without apology - even if I feel I reacted the only way I could have in that situation. I can admit this, however humiliating, but many people lack the ability to ever say they are sorry. That, to me, is one of the worst human qualities on the planet. Friends, don't be this way. Ever. People think never saying they're sorry makes them look strong, but it really is a big, honking, blinking sign of weakness. really, when you look at it like this, it is silly for me to ever feel weak when I have little shame in writing this for all to see. My faults. We all have them. Or as I heard recently from someone, my "needs work". Here they are. I am human. Hope it helps someone else's evolution process.

The whole thing is that love - true love - requires compassion, forgiveness and understanding. Eventually and ultimately, these elements have to come up when things go sour. But if those actions are not reciprocated, it breaks the connection needed to sustain whatever it is: friendship, family relationship, romantic relationship... etc. And folks, if those actions are not reciprocated, what you've got is not love. Remember that.

That useless box

It sits on its shelf, covered in dust and under used. Because I can find more titillating experiences outside, one on one conversation, riding at night and catching glimpses of the half moon in my mirror. I have no need to stay caged in this prison, watching pretend life on TV. Papers say I owe. I will spend 30 years paying off this prison. And for what?

Someone asked me today, "What matters?".... I'll tell you what  matters. Friends. Friends who would do for you what you would do for them. Friends who give something - bring something to the table. When you walk away from them with more than you had before, that's a good indication that you are going to evolve with them in your life. What else matters? Being happy and as free as possible. Not being a robot, at the beckoning finger of society, in your tight-collared environment... all so you can have a fast car and a $400,000 house on a cul-de-sac. What about having a soul? A unique personality? It is not fair to hold others to the standards that we set for ourselves. If we love each other, it's because we accept each other for who we are and what we bring to each others' lives. Otherwise, what's the fucking point?

So, I get home and pass over the TV remote. I go straight for the red lights, the Nag Champa and the music.... Because after my beautiful ride home at night, with the half moon in my mirror and the smell of sweetgrass in my nose, why would I want to destroy that experience with something inferior?

I sit, and I remember something that was told to me years ago by a friend who is a nurse for terminally ill cancer patients. A the 'jumping off point', she said everyone always says that what they look back on is the people they've met and the places they've been.

Everything else is just filler.

Two Wolves

On Decisions....

I went to the Oconaluftee River and I asked it to carry me where I needed to go. "Come to the center", said The River.

But there I stood. "I am tired of climbing!", I said, and I walked further into the current of the river. There, I was invited to balance on one of 2 rocks. To my left was a soft, round stone, worn smooth by much erosion and turbulence. "I'm going to fall off this stone! It may be damaged and slippery!" To my right was a rock with noticeably less wear and tear, having been closer to the shore. It seemed less damaged, and I thought I could be safer on this rock since it was closer to the shore and had traction. But I could not decide. So I balanced myself upon them both. My right foot went right up on the stone with less erosion, my left, I carefully placed with a little fear onto the smooth stone that had been in the middle of the river, tossed by the currents. But it seemed so beautiful beneath my bare skin and held my foot firmly in place.

The river ran on. I looked up and asked for answers to troubling questions. The Sky laughed and told me I was doing fine. "But I don't feel fine", I said. I am uncomfortable here. I slipped a little, trying to balance on this inconsistent surface of the right rock. The River Ran on. The sun shined. The trout swam past me. I started losing my balance as the currents felt stronger..... the trout said.... "Why do you insist on standing on two rocks?"

"I could not decide. The left rock invited both feet, but I feared it would not truly sustain me!"

The trout laughed and swam on.

I asked again. "River! Please, help me choose my path! I am so confused!"

"First, you must open your eyes!", spoke the waters.

A wind blew past and pushed on my body..... Right Stone tipped and my right foot slipped off. I climbed back onto the jagged rock. "I can't imagine what you mean!" .... the River laughed.

I turned to a friend, who was sitting on a smooth worn rock in the middle of the water. It held her above the water and gave her a comfortable place to sit. I called out "I'm getting nothing here!"

She laughed with the sky, the river and the trout. I felt discouraged. "What am I doing wrong?"

The wind said "when I blew you over, was not your left foot held firm by the smooth worn rock which you fear?"

"well... I guess it was!"

The sky said "is not the smooth worn rock a consistent support?"

"Well.... it has been, sure!"

The River said, "Is not the smooth worn rock staying in place, while the less worn rock moves at the slightest push or pull?"

"....yes."

Then The river said "You know the answer already". And they sent me home.

Counterfeit Clarity
Juxtaposed position
Cling to the fruit of the vine
Its pungent aroma set aloft

The fourth gate squeaks open
Incomprehensible figures take form
Reality has never been this real
Nor will it ever seem the same

Closed mindedness seals the leaks inside
Clenching ideas long dead

The shower epiphany

Sometimes, the shower's a great place to have an epiphany. It may be one of the few moments / places during the day where my focus is on me and only me. In moments like this, my inner voice can be heard, whereas it's normally overpowered by the "I gotta do this or that" voices. The Circus, as I like to call it.

Paranoia and worry set in when we give too much thought to the past or too much thought about the future. People make empty promises. I mean, we all do it...

Most people know certain exchanges are empty, but I used to be pretty naive. I thought that people meant everything they said, even though I probably didn't. I'm sure I spent a great deal of time waiting around on people to follow through on these things. A SHIT ton of wasted time....

I found myself doing this again. That's when I just have to slap myself on the hand and give myself a good talking to about the dangers of falling into old habits. I enjoy the now too much to start that old shit up again.

How many of us rush through the week just to get to the weekend? Totally asinine! I'm glad I forced myself to sit still tonight and decompress. This was much needed.

Acceptance

Awhile back, I had this dream that scared me. I think I wrote it somewhere in the unorganized mess of half-finished journals I have laying around. I never have thought it through, though. I was just reading the Tibetan Art of Living and one of the key points of health and happiness is acceptance. It went on and on about it for two pages. When I reached the end of the section, a flash of that scary dream entered my mind and suddenly, the dream wasn't as frightening.

The dream was just the letters on a ouija board and it repeatedly spelled the word "accept" until the word appeared over the board on what could only be described as Scrabble letter blocks.

A C C E P T A N C E

Why do I have SO much trouble with this? I always think that I DO accept who I am, but I keep coming back to this same place. I'm not getting anywhere.

HOW do I accept? What don't I accept? How do I answer a question like this?