The game

Although life itself is mortal, life experiences are not unlike a video game. You attempt each level with the idea that you will progress to the next, and when you don't pass the first time, you have the chance to try again. It may be embarrassing to bust your ass in front of other players, but everyone has been on that level before and knows how difficult it can be. And once you level up, you will feel a sense of accomplishment.

Gravity

 I experienced the movie Gravity yesterday, just after I had to deal with something that was extremely difficult for me. I mean excruciating. This thing is not hard for everyone, but vulnerability is something I fight - hard. It feels like those dreams most people have where they're at work or school, only to realize they have forgotten to wear pants. And I've gone to great lengths to control my environment, in order to feel "safe" and invulnerable. I step into things one toe at a time, feel things out, wait for things to come to me, initiating hardly anything, always being busy and unavailable... you know me. So you know. And although I've chipped away at much of this, and continue to, because I think it's important work, a lot still remains. I feel blocked. I do. I'm LESS blocked, but I am still digging through the wall of fear that was mortared around me as a child.

So, enter this movie. I was told this was an amazing movie and especially a 3-D movie. But I wasn't prepared for the complexity and the message it gave me. It's still filtering through the cracks and hitting me in new ways. I just love when something effects me like this. The last thing to really do this was the movie Hedwig & the Angry Inch. I don't want to ruin this movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but I will say that it lives up to its name. I realized what I am doing to myself by keeping myself so busy that I can't see the beauty around me. I mean I can, for the most part, now. But I mean in a deeper sense. Without revealing too much, I'll suffice it to say that I need to just let go and take the ride instead of always being busy tinkering the track. This post is really an addition to the previous post... I already know this, but it was essential for me to put a visual to my idea.

I wanna see this again already. This photo I attached is my absolute favorite moment in the movie.

The end to a lifelong procrastination

Good morning, I said to myself this a.m, upon arising to 3 eager wagging tails, crisp fall air and the smell of coffee brewing from a set timer. It's my custom to start being depressed when the air turns cool each year, despite this being my favorite weather.

This year, I have a different custom. I no longer feel forlorn at the biting chill in the air. I know why now and I have obviously moved ahead of that. It's nice to feel progress.

Progress, though, is abounding here lately. It is so hard to see it unless I write, talk, think through it. I have to converse with myself in some manner in order to see what I have accomplished. And then I think it's important to pat myself on the back for having made these improvements.

Overcoming self esteem issues is not a small feat. These are usually things that were hardwired into one's brain at a very early age, usually inadvertently - but sometimes not. I'm not ashamed to talk about this - I've had people say "but Zoe everyone loves you" (which is a false statement. Not *everyone* loves me. That's impossible). I get it. I'm in these bands and I'm nice to people. I do know a LOT of people who do like what they know about me. That's not at all where self esteem comes from. It comes from the way one talks to oneself with that internal voice. And if as a child, fear of failure was taught,  then the programming is set to expect to fail if any action is taken. As a result, apathy or fear set in; usually a cycle of the two, and indeed -  no action is taken.

I'm over that feeling of stuck, and no one has me stuck except ME. I have been able to get whatever I wanted if I've persevered. I went to NYC, I repaired the relationship with my family, I got a job in management with no experience, I've done some good things with my band, I helped raise money for Kate Bornstein, I rescued 3 lovely pups, and I've maintained so many great friendships over the years. So Now is the time to set my own life in motion and set myself free; I want to fucking go to school. I've been saying this... but I'm always scared to let go of job security. Screw it! I'm gonna find a way to make this happen! I'm not getting any younger.

You wake up one day and you realize you've been sitting still in this apathetic state for an embarrassingly long time. I'm picking up a sword and charging ahead this time, and no one can stop me: not even me!

Your mirror

Your face reminds me of heartbreak and insanity. The mirror i was to you only showed you what you wanted to see. Boundaries mean nothing to you; a hypocritical stance if nothing else. I recoiled under the weight of seeing you and desired only to implode upon your arrival in front of me. Surprised by my own response, i reacted like a war veteran who hears a car backfire. Moments after i dismissed you, i felt the urge to rub into your face how much I've done with myself since you broke me one year ago. But then i realized that the glue was still a bit tacky, and not quite as dry as I thought.

Primal bonding

I needed that Valient Thorr show tonight. I almost didn't go. Only because I had worked all day, then rehearsed and I have these health issues to worry about. I'm supposed to be taking it easy. But I can't miss the chance to see 2 of my favorite people and one of my favorite bands all in one rare shot.

I love standing back and watching the crowds at metal shows. Sweaty people piled on top of each other, arms around each other, pumping their free fists to the same beat to which the drummer, the bassist, the guitarists, the singer are all pulsing. It unites people in the most primal way. We're all experiencing time as a unit. It matters. It bonds. It fucking heals my soul to see people doing this. I'm probably the only geek in the crowd being all anthropological about this, but I smile so big watching people have a good time. I think to myself "This is the way we bond now" - since we don't live in villages anymore. A lot of us weren't held enough or properly socialized as children. This is our therapy. It's our way.

Clinking beer bottles together with friends on a common ground feels like we're not alone.

It's no different than beating drums around a campfire and dancing to unify before war or before a holiday.

It's about getting on the same page.

Primal is a good thing. Primitive is not a negative description, It's something we've LOST, but should always retain.

Freedom

Freedom should exist between people. Freedom isn't being alone. It's being who you are, having boundaries and respecting boundaries, living your dreams and communicating with the world around you. The Hollywood syndrome makes people attempt to live in a fantasy world.

Our world IS a fantasy world all its own. We connect with people for various reasons in multiple ways. Life ebbs and flows as often as the tides in the oceans. Sometimes lower and other times higher. People panic and imagine this is permanent and forget that these circumstances swing almost like a pendulum. The low will become high once more. 

This is how nature works. We are nature and thus we are not immune to these cycles. 

I am experiencing a simultaneous high and low. I'm so busy in all kinds of positive ways, but also am not in a secure job. I'm in constant worry about something either work related or band related. As a sufferer of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, this type of thing is obviously too much for my body. In my right to freedom, to which I believe everyone is entitled, my attempts at setting boundaries are generally met with criticism or pushiness. And I realized tonight that it's because non-sufferers  can't empathize. It's an indescribable feeling, to be literally worn out from something that would barely tire others. 

So the guilt trips I've allowed others to put on me will no longer be blamed. I can forgive the inability to understand.  But what will not be tolerated is the refusal to respect a boundary. I find that extremely offensive. I wouldn't dream of crossing a set boundary and wouldn't feel comfortable in struggling with someone to get my way when they clearly are telling me no. 

Work, friends, family. Learn to respect each other. That's what we have left as humans. We can still connect with each other with our boundaries in place. in fact, it can only strengthen our bonds. 

If you think a flower is beautiful, don't pick it or it will wither and die. Observe it and keep it as it existed when you first saw it. 

Evolution

I can feel a MASSIVE shift of evolution coming my way. I've been beating my head against the wall trying to do what I've been taught is right. And It always makes me miserable and stifled to the point that my stresses manifest as health problems. And yet, I keep doing these things because I wanna be acceptable and normal. Whatever the fuck that means.

I'm not that person. Try as I might.

I have more thinking to do on what this means exactly, but I wrote this as a starting point so that I can look back and see my breadcrumbs.