The unbeliever

I became too jaded in my belief systems, somewhere between 20 and 35. I have wondered if it was due to the fear of being "wrong" or if it was due to the fear that other people had for my belief system. I may have tucked it inside for convenience's sake. Thank gawd I'm not that self conscious anymore. Because being an unbeliever is DULL. It doesn't produce creativity. It stagnates and gives no hope.

I grew up in a Methodist household. I wouldn't say my parents were bible-beaters, necessarily. They were strict, southern christians. And when I ran away from home, I had the unique fortune of landing in a home with two wiccan ladies. I finished growing up in a home that was nurturing and connected, animal loving and nature revering. Beltane festivals, Samhain, herbal remedies and tarot readings. At breakfast, they would bring up conversations about dreams and try to take meaning from it, as we should all. They discussed seeing signs that they were on the right or wrong paths... they felt instant connections with some people and instant ill feelings for some, and took it to mean something deeper than a "sense".

I miss this. I don't know where I lost it. But we humans have the need to have ritual in our lives. We need to feel a purpose. We need to send and receive energies from each other.

Believing is more than just fun, it's therapeutic. It's a power. I've chosen my beliefs, as I believe everyone has the right to do, from a variety of teachings ranging from Christianity, Wicca, Druidry, Buddhism, Hinduism,  various Native American beliefs, science and quantum physics. So it just FLOORS me when I come in contact with someone who has similar beliefs to me. And it's happened quite a bit lately.

The world IS mysterious and we DON'T know half of it. I'm gonna hold onto that this time.

Gender and music

I've always called myself an "awkwardly gendered girl". This, to me, is similar to the term "queer", but slightly more descriptive. By this, I don't mean that I'd ever want to change my sex. It also has nothing to do with sexual orientation either. It means that I don't feel like socitety's definition of a woman or a man, but that I accept my female body, for the most part. There are things I wish I could waive a magic wand and change, but nothing I'd go under the knife to correct.

Growing up, I had a harder time with it. I thought about being a boy a lot back then. But that's before I knew that you could choose to be neither. Or both. That's before I realized that gender isn't a real thing. It's a control mechanism put in place by society to make the majority of people feel comfortable.

 “The first question we usually ask new parents is : “Is it a boy or a girl ?”. There is a great answer to that one going around : “We don’t know ; it hasn’t told us yet.” Personally, I think no question containing “either/or” deserves a serious answer, and that includes the question of gender.” - Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw

Sex and gender are different. My sex is obviously female; that's what I've got goin' on 'down there'. Gender is something a lot less tangible.  It's subtle, yet it's noticeable. And it makes people feel uncomfortable when they don't recognize that your gender output fits your sex and your assumed sexual orientation.

Then you get slapped with those labels: butch, femme, tom boy, androgynous, dyke, queer, faggot, yadda yadda yadda. There are SO many labels. Just more proof that things are more fluid than we're taught to believe.

It's hard to express words to a fluid concept in our language. By its very nature, it must define. And by our very nature, humans have this need to feel part of something! So where do we look?

“We have looked for myths that include us in great novels, music, the latest comic book, or even some stupid advertising campaign. We'll look *anywhere* for a mythology that embraces people like ourselves.”  - Kate Bornstein - Gender Outlaw

I didn't find anyone who seemed to be remotely as awkwardly gendered as I considered myself to be as a kid. I got picked on for being unfashionable. I got ostracized for being tomboyish, playing electric guitar -in those days I knew NO females except Lita Ford who played. I had no interest in even looking at her. She represented everything I wasn't and couldn't be in a woman. I hated her for it. I felt okay until i compared myself to other women.

"You're not a typical girl", I would get - and still get. I love hearing that now. I love my awkwardness. I don't have the desire to be a guy. I'd hate that box just as much. I just have both feminine and masculine energies. And a female body. And I'm so okay with that these days. If it wasn't for Kate Bornstein, I'd have been so sad and lonely. There were other gender authors and activists, but she's the one who made sense to me.

I started reading Gender Outlaw again today. I get something new as I re-read throughout my evolutionary process. She is very sick right now. She has lung cancer and it's curable, if she can afford it. If I won the lottery today, I'd honestly consider giving it to her cause. She gave me the language and knowledge to live my life with a sense of peace, knowing I'm not alone! So why wouldn't I?

I have to play the lottery to win it. But perhaps a benefit show. :-)

This all came up with my recent ventures. I remembered all these feelings when I started this tribute band. Somethings I'd buried long ago or things I'd run from. Now that I've turned, faced and confronted my fears, I feel ME again. And this stirred around a bit.... there was only one woman I found that seemed awkwardly gendered like me. And I was relieved as hell when I saw her with my own two eyes. I hope one day, I can do this for other girls like me.

Lack of communication....

 Sometimes the line between being right and wrong is very fine, other times, it's nearly impossible to distinguish the two. Yet again, other times... it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. It matters how you carry yourself through it. Learning from these situations is an essential part of growing. Evolution is a painful process, but a necessary one on this life journey.

It is so hard to hold your head up and look people in the eye after not conducting yourself very well through something like that. It's even harder when both parties are wrong and only one party has taken such a step as to admit their fault. It can be a very lonely place. I have never been very patient when it comes to these types of things.

This is not an excuse, however, to act out without apology - even if I feel I reacted the only way I could have in that situation. I can admit this, however humiliating, but many people lack the ability to ever say they are sorry. That, to me, is one of the worst human qualities on the planet. Friends, don't be this way. Ever. People think never saying they're sorry makes them look strong, but it really is a big, honking, blinking sign of weakness. really, when you look at it like this, it is silly for me to ever feel weak when I have little shame in writing this for all to see. My faults. We all have them. Or as I heard recently from someone, my "needs work". Here they are. I am human. Hope it helps someone else's evolution process.

The whole thing is that love - true love - requires compassion, forgiveness and understanding. Eventually and ultimately, these elements have to come up when things go sour. But if those actions are not reciprocated, it breaks the connection needed to sustain whatever it is: friendship, family relationship, romantic relationship... etc. And folks, if those actions are not reciprocated, what you've got is not love. Remember that.

That useless box

It sits on its shelf, covered in dust and under used. Because I can find more titillating experiences outside, one on one conversation, riding at night and catching glimpses of the half moon in my mirror. I have no need to stay caged in this prison, watching pretend life on TV. Papers say I owe. I will spend 30 years paying off this prison. And for what?

Someone asked me today, "What matters?".... I'll tell you what  matters. Friends. Friends who would do for you what you would do for them. Friends who give something - bring something to the table. When you walk away from them with more than you had before, that's a good indication that you are going to evolve with them in your life. What else matters? Being happy and as free as possible. Not being a robot, at the beckoning finger of society, in your tight-collared environment... all so you can have a fast car and a $400,000 house on a cul-de-sac. What about having a soul? A unique personality? It is not fair to hold others to the standards that we set for ourselves. If we love each other, it's because we accept each other for who we are and what we bring to each others' lives. Otherwise, what's the fucking point?

So, I get home and pass over the TV remote. I go straight for the red lights, the Nag Champa and the music.... Because after my beautiful ride home at night, with the half moon in my mirror and the smell of sweetgrass in my nose, why would I want to destroy that experience with something inferior?

I sit, and I remember something that was told to me years ago by a friend who is a nurse for terminally ill cancer patients. A the 'jumping off point', she said everyone always says that what they look back on is the people they've met and the places they've been.

Everything else is just filler.

Two Wolves

On Decisions....

I went to the Oconaluftee River and I asked it to carry me where I needed to go. "Come to the center", said The River.

But there I stood. "I am tired of climbing!", I said, and I walked further into the current of the river. There, I was invited to balance on one of 2 rocks. To my left was a soft, round stone, worn smooth by much erosion and turbulence. "I'm going to fall off this stone! It may be damaged and slippery!" To my right was a rock with noticeably less wear and tear, having been closer to the shore. It seemed less damaged, and I thought I could be safer on this rock since it was closer to the shore and had traction. But I could not decide. So I balanced myself upon them both. My right foot went right up on the stone with less erosion, my left, I carefully placed with a little fear onto the smooth stone that had been in the middle of the river, tossed by the currents. But it seemed so beautiful beneath my bare skin and held my foot firmly in place.

The river ran on. I looked up and asked for answers to troubling questions. The Sky laughed and told me I was doing fine. "But I don't feel fine", I said. I am uncomfortable here. I slipped a little, trying to balance on this inconsistent surface of the right rock. The River Ran on. The sun shined. The trout swam past me. I started losing my balance as the currents felt stronger..... the trout said.... "Why do you insist on standing on two rocks?"

"I could not decide. The left rock invited both feet, but I feared it would not truly sustain me!"

The trout laughed and swam on.

I asked again. "River! Please, help me choose my path! I am so confused!"

"First, you must open your eyes!", spoke the waters.

A wind blew past and pushed on my body..... Right Stone tipped and my right foot slipped off. I climbed back onto the jagged rock. "I can't imagine what you mean!" .... the River laughed.

I turned to a friend, who was sitting on a smooth worn rock in the middle of the water. It held her above the water and gave her a comfortable place to sit. I called out "I'm getting nothing here!"

She laughed with the sky, the river and the trout. I felt discouraged. "What am I doing wrong?"

The wind said "when I blew you over, was not your left foot held firm by the smooth worn rock which you fear?"

"well... I guess it was!"

The sky said "is not the smooth worn rock a consistent support?"

"Well.... it has been, sure!"

The River said, "Is not the smooth worn rock staying in place, while the less worn rock moves at the slightest push or pull?"

"....yes."

Then The river said "You know the answer already". And they sent me home.

Counterfeit Clarity
Juxtaposed position
Cling to the fruit of the vine
Its pungent aroma set aloft

The fourth gate squeaks open
Incomprehensible figures take form
Reality has never been this real
Nor will it ever seem the same

Closed mindedness seals the leaks inside
Clenching ideas long dead