Kids in Hollywood

I am extremely sickened by the so-called humor that a surprising number of people are posting on social media regarding Justin Bieber. I have to admit, I've never heard one of his songs; I've not wanted to. He's a kid, a pop star, and admired by children and very young pre-teen girls. This isn't my scene. I'd probably find his music as riveting as a Disney movie soundtrack, (Which is to say: not at all riveting...).

He was a pre-pubescent boy when he was discovered and made into this huge pop-idol. As a 13 year old, he was given instant FAME, success, attention, EXPECTATIONS and pressure that an average 13 year old is not capable of handling - nor, as a matter of fact, are many ADULTS capable of handling all of that expectation and attention.

 Fast forward to about 3 years ago. A young boy (still talking Bieber, here) of about the age of 15/16 was asked - FOR SOME DUMB REASON - by Rolling Stone magazine, what his stance on abortion is. And what about women who have babies after being raped? A CHILD answered, (with an unsure statement that he'd most likely copied from an adult in his life), that he didn't know... that things, he *guessed*, happened for a reason.... he didn't know.

Have you ever asked a 13 year old boy or girl what kind of music he or she likes? 9 times out of ten, when I've asked this questions to music students, they shrug and say "i dunno". At 13, I knew what I liked but didn't know how to express it as well as I can as an adult. Rolling Stone had no business asking, and the general population had no right to get all up in arms and judge him on this. He's not a super hero, he's not an adult, he is a child!

So now, he's done some shitty teenage bratty ass things. I get that. He needs some help. He doesn't need to be raped in prison because you don't like his music or because you INTERPRETED his "i dunno, things I guess happen for a reason...?" statement as him being pro-rape. That's a stretch and it's a reason for you to pour your anger on a freaking kid.

What this dude needs is therapy, because his handlers and parents are failing him by putting all of this on him. "Oh poor guy, he's popular", I've heard people say, in sarcastic tones. Popularity comes with a lot of expectation and the feelings that come with unrealistic expectations are natural for any human; inferiority, fear, peer pressure, depression, anxiety, anti-social and dissociative tendencies. This isn't a small thing to put a kid through. You've all read countless articles on child stars doing crazy shit.... right? We all have grown up with media-sensationalized stories about child celebrities. Miley Cyrus, Brittany Spears, Michael Jackson... etc etc...

Wake up and realize that you are judging someone on the scars put on them by people like us who get excited after reading into the over-blown stories in the media and run rampant with accusations and mass hysteria that put even more pressure on a kid who probably never wanted anything except to freaking play music - whether YOU like it or not - for a living. We are as much to blame as the media for reacting, as much to blame as the parents for failing him and as much to blame as his professional team for most likely pushing him too hard.

Feel sorry for him. Hope he gets help. Wish his taste in music would be more like yours... but don't wish a hate crime on the kid. If your ass got pounded in jail because a bunch of hateful f**kers that don't EVEN KNOW YOU spurred it on, ya think it would change you? Damn right it would. You'd be scared of everyone and be scarred for LIFE.

This isn't about Justin Bieber. Really - it's about children. Miley, Michael, everyone who has been ridiculed by us, when we don't know anything but who they play on TV. We know 1/3445 of the story. But if you have any common sense whatsoever, you'll realize that intentions are powerful. Prayer (regardless of your religious affiliation) is POWER... Just be aware that energy can be put on any one of you..... I, personally, believe in karma. And I want good things for myself. I hope you do, too.

Think before you hate.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2261903/Why-praising-child-harm-good-Psychologist-claims-comments-makes-unhappy.html

In the time of Kali

I'll start off with this mini explanation I read on Kali this morning:

About Kali (pronounced KAL-ee): This ultra-powerful Hindu goddess is feared by those who don’t understand the natural cycles of birth, death, and rebirth. Kali is the embodiment of Mother Nature, who cleanses away the old with natural storms and fires to make the ground fertile for new crops and life. Kali is the ultimate get-things-done goddess, and she’s a powerful ally to those who call upon her. Like a wise stage mother, she’ll push you beyond your comfort zone to reach the heights of your potential.

I needed to read that. I have always loved the idea that Kali struck fear in people who didn't understand that she wasn't "evil". She's probably one of the most misunderstood deities by westerners, if they even know who she is. In fact, I don't really like the word "deity"... she's more of an aspect of a deity. 

Right now, I'm going through LOTS of changes. Changes that are so positive. But in breaking down the old to make room for the new, there's some destruction that's going to happen. It's scary to not be able to see through the smoke of the old and trust that the new is going to be better, even when you already KNOW that it is. We fear change because this phase must occur before the new growth can take root and flourish. This IS the cycle of nature. It IS going to happen, and we can choose to fear it, or we can choose to embrace it and let the fires rage and admire their power.

As I wrote that, the rain got heavy. I'm imagining that it's washing away the old and putting out some of those fires. The fall, I'm thinking, is the perfect time to let the old ways die out and hopefully before the renewal of the spring, the renewal of my life will begin.

Grandfather

Roots push deeper into the soil
As each bud blossoms on a new branch.
The trunk is strong and no one knows when
the first seed took sprout.
But they've been there
supporting the canopy of growth
which rises toward an infinite distance.
Your Branch is down below
and although I can no longer see you
I know... you're cradling me
making my life possible
helping me reach for the sun
and always
you will be there to watch over me.

In the spirit of the hawk

Animals tell us things; if we listen. Since my childhood, I've noticed Red-tailed hawks soaring over me when I'm going through a tough spot and flying with me when I've made the best choice for getting out of a rough spot. My first encounter was at my elementary school, when the Carolina Raptor Center visited us with an owl and a Red-Tailed Hawk. I felt a connection with the hawk and still remember my heart pounding as I touched her belly. During my days in NYC, I disconnected from nature. But since my return to the Charlotte area, I've learned to reconnect.

I've been with people who think it's hokey to listen to Native Americans in movies saying things like "talk to the sand" or "listen to the wind". Let me explain what this means, with a few examples....

Upon my return to Charlotte, I had a lot of healing to do, but wasn't listening to myself. I was driving home from a new job one day when I saw a Red-tailed hawk who was injured on the side of the road. I called my sister, who happened to have been holding a Raptor Center brochure in her hand at that very moment, got their number and called them while I kept an eye on the hawk. They came and picked up the injured bird, and it caused me to pause and think about my own "injuries" and take better care of myself.

A few years ago, I had been experiencing pain in my right shoulder that was getting worse. As I was ignoring it, I had a complex experience in Cherokee and met a man who gave me some valuable family information whose name was Red Hawk. Later that week, I was getting a tattoo to commemorate this experience and the tattoo artist burst a bursa in my elbow, unbeknownst to me at the time. During the next few days, I kept seeing this hawk on an electrical wire at the corner of the same intersection. Every morning, his head was under his right wing. (I kid you not) - He was there for a solid week, every morning. He finally caused me to look down at my arm and notice this disgusting lump on my forearm. I touched it and it was gel like and nasty.... so I went to the doc, who told me that the bursa would go away soon.. And while I was there, I mentioned my right shoulder pain. His findings indicated that, if I hadn't come to him then, I might have had to have surgery! (The hawk wasn't there the next morning). :-)

As a result, I've finally given in and I've learned to listen to my environment. When I decided to go back to school, I had hawks flying all over my yard, with my car, and even in front of my car. This morning, I though it might be fun to revisit what a hawk can tell me.... and it amazed me once again.

First of all, what I've chosen to go to school for is Counseling, specifically LGBT counseling, preferably working with kids or young adults. "When you have the hawk as a spirit animal, you may have an inclination towards using the power of vision and intuition in your daily life. The hawk totem provides wisdom about seeing situations from a higher perspective, using the power of observation, and focusing on the task at hand. It’s a good companion to develop spiritual awareness.

"

I think I've chosen well.... and everything seems to be following this path right now. I can also take another valuable lesson from this animal, and that's the ability to soar. Letting go of the reigns and allowing my natural ability to guide me, instead of trying to control each step I take.

Good morning. :-)

The game

Although life itself is mortal, life experiences are not unlike a video game. You attempt each level with the idea that you will progress to the next, and when you don't pass the first time, you have the chance to try again. It may be embarrassing to bust your ass in front of other players, but everyone has been on that level before and knows how difficult it can be. And once you level up, you will feel a sense of accomplishment.

Gravity

 I experienced the movie Gravity yesterday, just after I had to deal with something that was extremely difficult for me. I mean excruciating. This thing is not hard for everyone, but vulnerability is something I fight - hard. It feels like those dreams most people have where they're at work or school, only to realize they have forgotten to wear pants. And I've gone to great lengths to control my environment, in order to feel "safe" and invulnerable. I step into things one toe at a time, feel things out, wait for things to come to me, initiating hardly anything, always being busy and unavailable... you know me. So you know. And although I've chipped away at much of this, and continue to, because I think it's important work, a lot still remains. I feel blocked. I do. I'm LESS blocked, but I am still digging through the wall of fear that was mortared around me as a child.

So, enter this movie. I was told this was an amazing movie and especially a 3-D movie. But I wasn't prepared for the complexity and the message it gave me. It's still filtering through the cracks and hitting me in new ways. I just love when something effects me like this. The last thing to really do this was the movie Hedwig & the Angry Inch. I don't want to ruin this movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but I will say that it lives up to its name. I realized what I am doing to myself by keeping myself so busy that I can't see the beauty around me. I mean I can, for the most part, now. But I mean in a deeper sense. Without revealing too much, I'll suffice it to say that I need to just let go and take the ride instead of always being busy tinkering the track. This post is really an addition to the previous post... I already know this, but it was essential for me to put a visual to my idea.

I wanna see this again already. This photo I attached is my absolute favorite moment in the movie.

The end to a lifelong procrastination

Good morning, I said to myself this a.m, upon arising to 3 eager wagging tails, crisp fall air and the smell of coffee brewing from a set timer. It's my custom to start being depressed when the air turns cool each year, despite this being my favorite weather.

This year, I have a different custom. I no longer feel forlorn at the biting chill in the air. I know why now and I have obviously moved ahead of that. It's nice to feel progress.

Progress, though, is abounding here lately. It is so hard to see it unless I write, talk, think through it. I have to converse with myself in some manner in order to see what I have accomplished. And then I think it's important to pat myself on the back for having made these improvements.

Overcoming self esteem issues is not a small feat. These are usually things that were hardwired into one's brain at a very early age, usually inadvertently - but sometimes not. I'm not ashamed to talk about this - I've had people say "but Zoe everyone loves you" (which is a false statement. Not *everyone* loves me. That's impossible). I get it. I'm in these bands and I'm nice to people. I do know a LOT of people who do like what they know about me. That's not at all where self esteem comes from. It comes from the way one talks to oneself with that internal voice. And if as a child, fear of failure was taught,  then the programming is set to expect to fail if any action is taken. As a result, apathy or fear set in; usually a cycle of the two, and indeed -  no action is taken.

I'm over that feeling of stuck, and no one has me stuck except ME. I have been able to get whatever I wanted if I've persevered. I went to NYC, I repaired the relationship with my family, I got a job in management with no experience, I've done some good things with my band, I helped raise money for Kate Bornstein, I rescued 3 lovely pups, and I've maintained so many great friendships over the years. So Now is the time to set my own life in motion and set myself free; I want to fucking go to school. I've been saying this... but I'm always scared to let go of job security. Screw it! I'm gonna find a way to make this happen! I'm not getting any younger.

You wake up one day and you realize you've been sitting still in this apathetic state for an embarrassingly long time. I'm picking up a sword and charging ahead this time, and no one can stop me: not even me!