Grandfather

Roots push deeper into the soil
As each bud blossoms on a new branch.
The trunk is strong and no one knows when
the first seed took sprout.
But they've been there
supporting the canopy of growth
which rises toward an infinite distance.
Your Branch is down below
and although I can no longer see you
I know... you're cradling me
making my life possible
helping me reach for the sun
and always
you will be there to watch over me.

In the spirit of the hawk

Animals tell us things; if we listen. Since my childhood, I've noticed Red-tailed hawks soaring over me when I'm going through a tough spot and flying with me when I've made the best choice for getting out of a rough spot. My first encounter was at my elementary school, when the Carolina Raptor Center visited us with an owl and a Red-Tailed Hawk. I felt a connection with the hawk and still remember my heart pounding as I touched her belly. During my days in NYC, I disconnected from nature. But since my return to the Charlotte area, I've learned to reconnect.

I've been with people who think it's hokey to listen to Native Americans in movies saying things like "talk to the sand" or "listen to the wind". Let me explain what this means, with a few examples....

Upon my return to Charlotte, I had a lot of healing to do, but wasn't listening to myself. I was driving home from a new job one day when I saw a Red-tailed hawk who was injured on the side of the road. I called my sister, who happened to have been holding a Raptor Center brochure in her hand at that very moment, got their number and called them while I kept an eye on the hawk. They came and picked up the injured bird, and it caused me to pause and think about my own "injuries" and take better care of myself.

A few years ago, I had been experiencing pain in my right shoulder that was getting worse. As I was ignoring it, I had a complex experience in Cherokee and met a man who gave me some valuable family information whose name was Red Hawk. Later that week, I was getting a tattoo to commemorate this experience and the tattoo artist burst a bursa in my elbow, unbeknownst to me at the time. During the next few days, I kept seeing this hawk on an electrical wire at the corner of the same intersection. Every morning, his head was under his right wing. (I kid you not) - He was there for a solid week, every morning. He finally caused me to look down at my arm and notice this disgusting lump on my forearm. I touched it and it was gel like and nasty.... so I went to the doc, who told me that the bursa would go away soon.. And while I was there, I mentioned my right shoulder pain. His findings indicated that, if I hadn't come to him then, I might have had to have surgery! (The hawk wasn't there the next morning). :-)

As a result, I've finally given in and I've learned to listen to my environment. When I decided to go back to school, I had hawks flying all over my yard, with my car, and even in front of my car. This morning, I though it might be fun to revisit what a hawk can tell me.... and it amazed me once again.

First of all, what I've chosen to go to school for is Counseling, specifically LGBT counseling, preferably working with kids or young adults. "When you have the hawk as a spirit animal, you may have an inclination towards using the power of vision and intuition in your daily life. The hawk totem provides wisdom about seeing situations from a higher perspective, using the power of observation, and focusing on the task at hand. It’s a good companion to develop spiritual awareness.

"

I think I've chosen well.... and everything seems to be following this path right now. I can also take another valuable lesson from this animal, and that's the ability to soar. Letting go of the reigns and allowing my natural ability to guide me, instead of trying to control each step I take.

Good morning. :-)

The game

Although life itself is mortal, life experiences are not unlike a video game. You attempt each level with the idea that you will progress to the next, and when you don't pass the first time, you have the chance to try again. It may be embarrassing to bust your ass in front of other players, but everyone has been on that level before and knows how difficult it can be. And once you level up, you will feel a sense of accomplishment.

Gravity

 I experienced the movie Gravity yesterday, just after I had to deal with something that was extremely difficult for me. I mean excruciating. This thing is not hard for everyone, but vulnerability is something I fight - hard. It feels like those dreams most people have where they're at work or school, only to realize they have forgotten to wear pants. And I've gone to great lengths to control my environment, in order to feel "safe" and invulnerable. I step into things one toe at a time, feel things out, wait for things to come to me, initiating hardly anything, always being busy and unavailable... you know me. So you know. And although I've chipped away at much of this, and continue to, because I think it's important work, a lot still remains. I feel blocked. I do. I'm LESS blocked, but I am still digging through the wall of fear that was mortared around me as a child.

So, enter this movie. I was told this was an amazing movie and especially a 3-D movie. But I wasn't prepared for the complexity and the message it gave me. It's still filtering through the cracks and hitting me in new ways. I just love when something effects me like this. The last thing to really do this was the movie Hedwig & the Angry Inch. I don't want to ruin this movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but I will say that it lives up to its name. I realized what I am doing to myself by keeping myself so busy that I can't see the beauty around me. I mean I can, for the most part, now. But I mean in a deeper sense. Without revealing too much, I'll suffice it to say that I need to just let go and take the ride instead of always being busy tinkering the track. This post is really an addition to the previous post... I already know this, but it was essential for me to put a visual to my idea.

I wanna see this again already. This photo I attached is my absolute favorite moment in the movie.

The end to a lifelong procrastination

Good morning, I said to myself this a.m, upon arising to 3 eager wagging tails, crisp fall air and the smell of coffee brewing from a set timer. It's my custom to start being depressed when the air turns cool each year, despite this being my favorite weather.

This year, I have a different custom. I no longer feel forlorn at the biting chill in the air. I know why now and I have obviously moved ahead of that. It's nice to feel progress.

Progress, though, is abounding here lately. It is so hard to see it unless I write, talk, think through it. I have to converse with myself in some manner in order to see what I have accomplished. And then I think it's important to pat myself on the back for having made these improvements.

Overcoming self esteem issues is not a small feat. These are usually things that were hardwired into one's brain at a very early age, usually inadvertently - but sometimes not. I'm not ashamed to talk about this - I've had people say "but Zoe everyone loves you" (which is a false statement. Not *everyone* loves me. That's impossible). I get it. I'm in these bands and I'm nice to people. I do know a LOT of people who do like what they know about me. That's not at all where self esteem comes from. It comes from the way one talks to oneself with that internal voice. And if as a child, fear of failure was taught,  then the programming is set to expect to fail if any action is taken. As a result, apathy or fear set in; usually a cycle of the two, and indeed -  no action is taken.

I'm over that feeling of stuck, and no one has me stuck except ME. I have been able to get whatever I wanted if I've persevered. I went to NYC, I repaired the relationship with my family, I got a job in management with no experience, I've done some good things with my band, I helped raise money for Kate Bornstein, I rescued 3 lovely pups, and I've maintained so many great friendships over the years. So Now is the time to set my own life in motion and set myself free; I want to fucking go to school. I've been saying this... but I'm always scared to let go of job security. Screw it! I'm gonna find a way to make this happen! I'm not getting any younger.

You wake up one day and you realize you've been sitting still in this apathetic state for an embarrassingly long time. I'm picking up a sword and charging ahead this time, and no one can stop me: not even me!

Your mirror

Your face reminds me of heartbreak and insanity. The mirror i was to you only showed you what you wanted to see. Boundaries mean nothing to you; a hypocritical stance if nothing else. I recoiled under the weight of seeing you and desired only to implode upon your arrival in front of me. Surprised by my own response, i reacted like a war veteran who hears a car backfire. Moments after i dismissed you, i felt the urge to rub into your face how much I've done with myself since you broke me one year ago. But then i realized that the glue was still a bit tacky, and not quite as dry as I thought.

Primal bonding

I needed that Valient Thorr show tonight. I almost didn't go. Only because I had worked all day, then rehearsed and I have these health issues to worry about. I'm supposed to be taking it easy. But I can't miss the chance to see 2 of my favorite people and one of my favorite bands all in one rare shot.

I love standing back and watching the crowds at metal shows. Sweaty people piled on top of each other, arms around each other, pumping their free fists to the same beat to which the drummer, the bassist, the guitarists, the singer are all pulsing. It unites people in the most primal way. We're all experiencing time as a unit. It matters. It bonds. It fucking heals my soul to see people doing this. I'm probably the only geek in the crowd being all anthropological about this, but I smile so big watching people have a good time. I think to myself "This is the way we bond now" - since we don't live in villages anymore. A lot of us weren't held enough or properly socialized as children. This is our therapy. It's our way.

Clinking beer bottles together with friends on a common ground feels like we're not alone.

It's no different than beating drums around a campfire and dancing to unify before war or before a holiday.

It's about getting on the same page.

Primal is a good thing. Primitive is not a negative description, It's something we've LOST, but should always retain.